The Marathon

Marathons are long and steady. I do know this because I have actually completed one. Shortly after Grace was born I needed something to grasp on too. Something that made me feel like everything was going to be ok and truth be told I ran it for her because at that time I wasn’t sure that she would ever be capable of running one herself. I miss those training runs, both with my partner and without. I miss the steadiness of one foot in front of the other, the pace as well as the desire to do something I had never done before. Sometimes I would fall apart mid run. I would have to stop, gather my breath and start again. Other days I raced through smoothly in sink with my stride and breathing. I solved a lot of lifes problems on that pavement I ran every day. Those conversations inside my head were free to deliberate during those 60 min runs.

I think it had something to do with the investment in myself. Really allowing myself to feel the pain and frustration of not only training but of life. My husbands famous quote is “Its not a race Kate, do what you love and love to do it.” He has been saying a pattern of those words since the day I met him. Always encouraging me to be the best me, that I could be. I appreciate that because I am just the opposite. I generally find myself doing what I am doing to get it done. I work in the world of lists, except I don’t even write them down. My system can be pretty ineffective and unorganized but in my mind I am always telling myself something along the lines of, “If you do this, you will be done.” Meaning cross it off, accomplished and over. This past week I have heard that phase in my head more then once while planting the garden, homeschooling, and during all my general daily tasks. I find myself pushing my way through as swiftly as possible so that I can sit, relax and maybe even reflect on what I accomplished except most of the time I find myself looking for more. Instead of doing what I thought I wanted to do I find myself feeling less effective and even a slug for having the down time I so desperately wanted.

It is funny, what I seem to think I want is generally not what I need. So as I focus on this summer I hope to remind myself to think about the day as an accomplishment and not one big list. I hope to have more patience with my kids and let them breathe in-between responsibility and most of all I hope I can sit by the fire each night basking in the feeling of accomplishment because it won’t be too long that I will have checked off the years of raising these 6 beings that are mine.

So my mind is spinning, I am anxious and ready to start a new season. I am ready to have slower days with greater insensity with what ever we decide is important. I am ready to take time to enjoy my life instead of checking each activity off the list. So here is too more baking, listening, swimming, walking and reading with my children!