So this year is a big year for me. It marks my 40th year. 40 years of experience tucked under my belt. The crazy thing is I still feel like a teenager sitting on my bed wondering what is next. Then I look at my kids I get all teary eyed as I remember each moment that each one of them were put into my arms and all the time since then. 54 months of pregnancy!!! The funny thing is if the opportunity arose I would do it all again. They are all my most important accomplishments.
Over the years I have had ups and downs like everyone. Some years the jeans were tighter then others. The greys came in and I was determined to just pluck. The Mom jeans – yep I wore them. All of it. Those years have molded me into who I am today. The crazy thing is a women with 40 years under her belt should have the confidence and strength to do anything. 40 years should give me the ability to stand on my own 2 feet without any fear and that could be the furthest from the truth.
I have worries and concerns that sometimes are over whelming and I have wrinkles on my forehead to show for them. I have a fear of speaking in front of a lot of people because I have never taken a moment to even think about what I would say. I have to wear long shirts and sweaters to cover up my midsection. A product of not making my workout a priority. I also generally don’t do new relationships well because my confidence is not where it should be.
So that is me. The person behind this blog and the camera. A mom of 6 amazing kids and 1 fantastic husband. You probably wouldn’t recognize me on the street because you rarely see me here. I am much more comfortable capturing the moment than actually being in it. Today I took one step out. I got on the other side of the camera. I have this amazing son who has been watching me photograph families for over 2 years now and when you hand him a camera he knows how to move for the shot. So today he photographed me, his Mom.
We had fun and I coached him on the camera as well as coached myself on what to do on the other side. I was embarrassed and felt akward but I told myself that so do all my clients. I laughed, bossed, danced and relaxed as he clicked that camera. Thoughts flooded my mind about insecurities and fear. Why are they there?
I have had so many profound conversations lately that have answered a lot of those questions but for some reason I still wake up with that fear every.single.day. It isn’t there for long but in the early morning hours as I drag myself to the coffee pot it is there. Fear is so paralyzing and it is no good for anyone. It gets nothing done and instead it just makes things worse then they already are. I talk myself out of that thing called fear every day and the other side is light, promise and change. That is reason enough to continue to fight fear head on.
As I looked at my pictures I felt like crying. All those wrinkles, laugh lines, and extra pounds have done me well. Life is not perfect but what is perfect? I choose happy and I choose to celebrate myself. 40 years allows me that confidence and whole lot of perseverance. So I will start listening to myself and honoring those thoughts and ideas. I will get in front of that camera more then once a year and instead of hiding behind my family I will do it by myself so that I can dissect those lines and the memories that they represent.
As a women I will give myself a break and stop the comparison that robs anyone of happiness. I am good just the way I am.
My son gave me a gift today that he can not understand. He took pictures that represent the way he sees me every day. He gave me the opportunity to see his Mom, me.
I encourage all you Moms out there to take a moment for yourself. Dress yourself up and get in front of a camera. It really is liberating, even if those pictures are just for yourself. I am offering a special for Moms. A single session of lights, a backdrop and music! Loud Music so that you too can let go and meet yourself through imagery! You deserve it! If
you are interested please email me at email@example.com I would be happy to give you the details!
Happy Day everyone! OXOXO